I'm guessing there are stages of pregnancy. I don't mean first, second, and third trimester. i mean, freak out, pretend calm, reality, real freak out, calm, discomfort, and real reality.
I've recently gone through reality and real freak out, all in the span of about four days.
Mom was here visiting for Miah and Jessie's graduation (woohoo! The Drs. are in the house!) and she wanted to spend some time with me. We went to a few different stores and had the opportunity to look at a lot of baby related products. A lot. It was an education. Holy cow, I have to decide how I'm going to parent, and that includes choosing between about 20 different types of dipers, feeding methods, to midwife or dula or doctor, to epidural or not to epidural, and the gear...do you know how many types of strollers there are? And bottles? I feel like I'm going to fail this test.
Did I mention various types of leaking? No one talks about the leaking and seeping...from various locations.
At this weekend's celebrations, I got to talk a bit with one of Jessie's friends who is in the process of weening. Her breasts were swollen and in pain, and she didn't want to pump to relieve the pressure, because not pumping is how your glands realize they don't have to make milk any longer. But it came to a point where she had to pump, and then there was open emotion as she poured her milk down the drain. All that good milk going to no one. Cue freak out.
I had never ventured mentally to the point where I would be weening. That detail wasn't a part of terrible twos, pre-school, elementary years, and beyond. No matter how much I read, how much I imagine, or how much I talk with people, I will never know everything that is going to be happening to me in the new process. This will not be all rainbows and glitter, mud pies and blanket forts.
I'm trying to make room in my brain for the late nights, early mornings, and inevitable disagreements between Dan and I. They will all come. We will get through it, but they can't be avoided. There are so many pit stops on this spectrum.